The me I want to be is Atticus Finch. He’s tough and fare and loving. He’s aware of the world he lives in and chooses to find joy and to stand up for the meek, even if it’s himself he’s defending. He loves his children and has retained his connection to childhood and a childlike heart. He protects his children, his family and friends, and his own heart with the resolve and strength and empathy of a man. A real man. He’s sophisticated and capable of holding more than one thought in his head at a time, even at church or in the courtroom.
The me I want to be is the best of my father. He tickled our faces in a game he called ‘spider,’ he played ‘dead man’ - which is a riot of coordination - of jumping and dancing and that thin, electric coating of terror children love and adults often pervert. The chasing and the frisbee and the camping. The weekend morning hikes and waking up in a tent at the edge of Lake Mary with a dawn of sunlight and my father. I felt completely safe and completely loved. I would give those things to any child in my life to whatever degree is possible and called for, whether he or she is my own or my sisters’ children or a kid on the bus. I would tell them I love them. I would show them I love them.
The me I want to be is the best of my mother. She always left great gifts on our bed on silly holidays like Valentine's or St. Patrick's Day. She let me help her play Easter Bunny and Santa Clause. She is a master gift wrapper. She is a peacemaker and empathizes with people who are often shunned. She is funny, animated, caring, clean, determined, observant, empathetic, and very much self-made. She is constantly reading and bettering herself and her mind.
I would love myself - with as much passion and care as I’ve ever lavished on another. I always hoped if I showed someone how much I love them, that person would give it back in kind. That doesn’t always work out. People, men especially it seems, can be clueless as a carwash - the 7-11 variety. You know the kind where you come out with a whole gang of bugs still glued to your windshield.
I would be curious about life and what it might yet have in store for me. Even that last day when the creature comes to call. Even that day. I’ve paid him off too many times now. He only gets one more day. That’s it. I say that. People say that. It’s easy to say that. The me I would be lives it too.
I would tell you all the truths about my life. I would make myself known.
- I love people. I am terrified of people.
- I love the daylight.
- I want to live forever
- I wish I could see what I am capable of and what is just not possible. The saying that ‘nothing is impossible’ is just not the truth. To believe it without parameters and self-awareness is a terrible kind of deception. I would balance that idea with the advice of Eleanor Roosevelt, who said, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
- I want to love another person with intensity of spirit and flesh, intellect, desire and trembling.
- I wish someone loved me with the same intensity of spirit and flesh, intellect, desire and trembling
- I wish I could be with the person I love tonight. The me I would be is willing to risk that it won’t happen.
Qualities I see in others that I want for myself:
- Deep wisdom and intelligence
- A beautiful smile
- Lots of great friends and loved ones
- A doctoral degree or three
- Serious dancing skills
- Gorgeous Voice
- Acting chops
- Self Assurance
- Lively and smart sense of humor
- Great narrative gifts
- A fantastic, boisterous laugh