Break-up Lines with Jack & Diane
Samsa and Me



M is on a plane.  For those of you who don't know M, he is my partner.  It's likely a terminal relationship.  i try to comfort myself by remembering that life, itself, is terminal.  Sometimes this helps.  Today the thought only makes it worse.  Off he goes to grad school in the big T and here I remain in the Big Apple.  A town that has crouched down on my soul lately.  It's not that I don't love it.  It's that I am overwhelmed by the power of memory and the saturation of each one, alive and electric and seeping through the bricks, the streets, the light, the windows.  A table and chairs outside a restaurant.  I believe memory is where ghosts are born.  Even now, I am haunted by a city and one person who will soon be missing from it.  To this time and this place, he will be a ghost. 

In light of all this, i decided I would write down the fears I can feel now.  At least I can name them.  I can look at them.  I have little hope this will ease their potency but you never know.  Here goes...

I fear loneliness.  

I fear the monotony of every day spent without M.  I fear the days to come when there will be no hope of his return.

I fear the plane he sits in now will not land.

I fear death itself, but not as much as life without M.  How do people do it?  Go on moving forward in their lives after losing so large.

I fear the life I lead will return to something average.  Something I settle for.  Something I fall into like a stupor.

I fear I will never again love quite like this.  

I fear the pain that reduces to a dull ache when distance of days and space comes between us.  Everyone drifts into acquaintance, even the dearest loved ones.  

I fear I will not recover from such a loss.

I fear I will.

I fear the hours, one piling on top of the next.  I fear the prison their carcasses create.

I fear I will be forgotten.

I fear I will never be known.

These are a few of my favorite fears.  I don't really have a song to sing as antidote.  I have plenty that make the pain of it even more raw.