M is for Maudlin
MERYL
Oh my stars and stripes forever and ever amen, this is the most precious maudlin drivel I've ever seen. I'm so serious now. What is this?
ED
What are you doing looking under my pillow? MERYL Oh lets not get hung up on technicalities. What IS this? ED Just something I'm trying.
An attempt.
An attempt.
MERYL
Ah. Isn't it the sweetest thing. A letter from your fictional doppel offering you comfort and hope. Ooh and the promise of travel too, lady.
ED (Quietly)
Yeah. I guess.
MERYL
What is this? Tell me, really.
ED You weren't supposed to see it. Don't you believe in privacy?
MERYL
I was bored, okay. I got back and you were asleep in there on your mattress and Waffles is nowhere to be found and I just didn't want to leave again. So sue me. I went rifling under your balcony pillow. I'm the worst witch ever. But this letter....
ED
I know. I know.
MERYL
It's just beyond the pale. Want me to 'D-Cursor' it for you? I'll just give it a toss right up there and we'll delete this drivel into oblivion where it belongs. Or maybe Waffles will want it. I'll let him sniff it when he surfaces again.
ED
I'm tired. I just woke up. Please put it back. Please. Just leave it for now.
MERYL
You sure? It's easy to rid yourself of this kind of junk, you know. You should really pare down on excess around here.
ED
Yeah. Let's leave it. Please just put it back.
MERYL
Fine. But I'm putting a pin in my memory on this one. Back under your pillow it goes... for now.
ED Thank you. I appreciate that.
MERYL
Of course. Of course.
ED
Yeah.
MERYL
So how's the Bloody Mundy writing coming? You haven't shown me any of that. Oh, and by the way, your little ode to my displeasure in Jason's letter couldn't be more off the mark. I'm not at all angry. Not one bit.
ED
Well that's good.
MERYL
I think so. I think so.
ED
Yeah. Really good.
MERYL
But I want to see what you're doing with Mundy. Where are THOSE pages?
ED
Still working them up. I'll show them to you soon.
MERYL
Mmmm hmmm. See that you do. I may have come down off that anger train but I meant what I said. You know that, right?
ED
Yep. I know.
MERYL
Don't forget it. I know all about you, Edmund Strasse. I can come and go here as I please, too. You're just stuck. So it's not a wise idea to cross me.
ED
I understand.
MERYL
I'm glad we're clear. I really don't like showing the matter under my velvet gloves, but sometimes it's just what must be done.
ED
I understand.
MERYL
Good. I'm glad we understand each other.
ED (Yawning and walking sleepily)
So where were you?
MERYL
Rehearsals, my dear. Rehearsals. And a costume fitting, oh and I have to credit you with one of the costume ideas. You know my cat's claw finger tip.
ED
How could I forget.
MERYL
Well it was... hey, you gave it to me. Are you unhappy with your gift choice?
ED
No no. It's perfect. Very operatic and you work it well. Silver. And the way you tap your forefinger on the keyboard with it is striking.
MERYL
Ha. Clever. Well, anyway, I was showing it to Ann and she suggested we construct similar claws for all of the witch's fingers. Claws, hunch, and all.
ED
Really? Ann said that?
MERYL
She did. She did. Here I brought a photo. See. (Hands Ed a photo of herself in her witch costume, lurking and spying from a tree.)
ED
Cool hair.
MERYL
I know. I've always wanted locks and locks of hair. I love having it on screen. She's really quite beautiful for a witch, wouldn't you say?
ED
Yes. Yes. She is.
MERYL
I mean, she's supposed to be hideous, right? But they've done me up with some real beauty marks.
ED Yes. Lovely. Just lovely. So proud of you and Ann's costume. It's terrific. (Yawns and stretches) I'm still pretty exhausted. I don't think I slept enough. (Yawns again) Do you mind if I just absent myself and we can talk more later?
MERYL
No. Well, I had so much more to talk about. They fitted me with fly rigs, like the ones we have here. I get to fly!
ED
Wonderful. Wonderful. We can talk more about it when I wake up again, yeah? I need a little more rest now if you don't mind.
MERYL
Sure sure. Go ahead. (Begins her hum) Hmmmmm Hmmmmm Hmmmm Hmmmm Hmmmm is dark and wild. Stay hmmm hmmmm hhmmmm hmmm hmmm hmm hmmm child. ...With me...
ED (Turns over on his mattress facing the audience but away from Meryl. Tears well up and start to roll down his cheek.)